woots!
ive finished.
that nightmare of 2000 words.
with 4 hours on sunday, and 4 hours today.
yay.
ok, im gonna go slp in 10 min.
have choir comm meeting at 7AM!!!!!
rahhhhs.

but im meeting alvin!
:)

haha.
alvin, Ken Tan Kang Jian is de Ken from church lor!
and of course you know who Kenneth is.
josephian, rmber? heh

aniwae.
im dying for the 2000 word art essay.
800 more to go.
by tml.

yesterday:
din go eat dinner with the other pple, cos had to teach jieling.
ive got so much to learn... teaching her...
:X
Pray tt God helps me! gimme wisdom. =)

after that, rushed from BPP to orchard, then changed train to cityhall to meet ken.
i din really eat dinner lor, all that rushing arnd.
then we went to esplanade together; i met xiu and her STAR friends celebrating her bday. :)
then... went to esplanade, we sat arnd and waited for the rest to come.
too some pics... and emmett said i looked very diff.
hahaha. :P

after that... came home with Adora...
Vic Chorale is sooooo zai la!
*sigh*

and today.
we got scolded at choir, pretty badly, for our lousy discipline, practices... etc.
was very flustered telling ken over de phone wad we did, cos he fell sick.
then after choir, all of us sat at the canteen till 9 pm, just thrashing things out...
i hope we do this more oft, and we can be enthu so choir will improve and all... *sigh*
i hate seeing emmett upset/sad.
=(

im dying also.
look at my workload:
- compre AQ
- econs tys qn( case study)
- art essay
- math test
- math tut
- chem tut
- choir tee
- PW

ROARS.
plspls everyone pray 4 me. :X

Be joyful! for you have the joy of the Lord. =)

yay.

hmmm.
went to sch at 9... did up and almost finished de Athena Fac board!!!!
yay!
it looks gd. :]

finished it at 11.15...
went to Fish & Co at de Glass House to celebrate Xiu's bday.
I LOVE FISH&CO!
they've got great food (ex too, but nvm)
haha. she was superly happy. =)

after that... came home.
studied for a while...
went to church. huey's birthday! hehe.
happy birthday huey. :]

i was wondering why Ken Tan did not come for church.
and so i was trying to msg him and i msged Kenneth Tan instead.
(you see, my mistake was perfectly justifiable)
how embarrassing. =S
hah. and i only realised after he replied.
rah.
at least most pple only know 1 shaoning. =P=P=P
ahaha. okok.
hmmm.
rushing art essay now. heh.
tts bout it.
math test coming! must study...

i love yooroo!
always and forever!
hahaha.
today, right after sch, saw her.
we sat de another bench just talking,
and she really made me think:
ten years down the road, who on your phone list could you still call to talk to?
and she got really upset that today was de last official day for JC2 students.
i felt very sad too...
somehow my seniors are leaving...
not just choir... but many are stepping out of my life, perhaps for finality.
the moment just passed so fast neither of us could catch it,
and then, its gone.
i took pics with her; hugged her as she cried.
but we'll always be gd frens, KIT, like all darling NY geppers,
we take a piece of someone else when we leave them,
kept, wrapped in soft velvet, that special corner in our hearts.
:)
dont change; i love you for all that you are.

utter irritation and embarassment.
why must my art teacher ask us to pick up random litter on de grass
in the middle of the fire drill?
and we've to climb de steps to throw them away, and in front of the whole sch.
THANKS ALOT. -.-

oh i wrote xinhui a postcard!
its zooming to her now( and for the next few days)!
hehehe.
yay!
i miss xinhui! :D

after talking to yayan, i realise i face the same dread coming to sch each day,
monday or friday.
and its choir that's sustaining me.
even when it doesnt go that smoothly,
choir sustains me.
the thought of going for it makes me happy, makes me wanna go early.
now i get what the seniors mean.
and i feel their passion,
and i hope the rest feels it too.

TERENCE!
my shoes!
heh.

PW wasted my entire night.

and i wasnt pretending that i know you well; in fact i dont much at all.
stop getting so defensive?
cos there are other ways to lose friends.

aniwae, i miss gab, i miss xinhui, i miss playing Thru de Kaleidoscope with her.
come back, come back.
and wait for my postcard.

im too tired to think, anymore, nowadays.
37. days to promos.
oh, joy.

thankew linx, joce and mel.
belated though de present is, im very very touched!
*muacks*

ken sent me an UTTERLY FASCINATING clip.
on DJing... cept its really not about de technical stuff as like... a mini movie in itself.
teh cool!
hahaha.
and it involves loads of animation.

ahahahha.
im so amused by the conver i had with sua:

Sua: wad are the consequences of not handing in the design for choir tee tmr?
me: no shirt.
Sua: let me rephrase tt qn
Sua: wad are the consequences if i dont hand up de design?
me: then you have no reason to reprimand de rest for not handing up a design, and they will not, mind you, so in the end, no shirt.
Sua: wah, many levels of reasoning.
Sua: i just realised ur initial answer was indeed not a misunderstood interpretation of my question


ahahhahhaha.
i din have de guts to tell him my train of thought went this way cos i wanna show him its still de same end result, but hey, gimme some credit k? hahhaa. i think it wasnt a bad link... :P

i really have Pastor Cross to thank,
for that precious lesson on I vs U lang.
and it reminded me of forgiveness.

and well. sometimes i feel that i dont have a home.
i have a house which i share with 2 other strangers.
which makes me wonder
how much is a relationship( any kind) manipulated by self interests?

and it reminded me of a line i heard watching some show-
i want to always fall in love, be in love, and never get married if i could.
tts how pple are, isnt it, very often commitment phobic.

i have this sudden urge to cry and scream at myself for being such a wreck.
certain things get me this way.
esp when i look at others, and as ella says, they always seem to have it so easy.
so easy.
and you look at them coping well with everything,
and well, i think to myself,
why are you so screwed up so much of the time?
and you know i dont have an answer.
i just wish to talk, to certain people, and let it go on and on.
so many expectations, so many deadlines, to meet.
hi, i just hope i dont see you again.

and yesterday.
gritted my teeth, and said gdbye to you.
as the heart cried when it gets humiliated by others' cruelty.
we're on opposite poles, you see.
and it pained me so bad, short of aloud whispers.
you wont have anything to do with me, anymore, would you.
we're always so different.
averted glances, uncertain, inertia of greetings lingering on the lips, in the body language.
so i guess, the unexpected.
walking, with the usual people, by the canteen
and you smiled and waved.
reminded me so much, of the brilliance of james blunt.

aniwae, today choir was.
well. like that.
i really hope we improve. and ive gotta do smthg bout de discipline, and focus.
so much to lose, to so many.

which is why i feel like crying and screaming sometimes.

im quite happy today.
quite. :)
Thank God for guiding me thru math yesterday!
im still vvvvv thankful!
Praise God...

im gonna put up a super nice song's lyrics on bpgc. :)
ask me for de link if you want! ( those who dunno :P)

Monday.
wonderful monday night, meeting with almost all NY geppers.
being trigger happy, at table 53 with truth or dare that's long past.
i miss all of you!
how fun it was,
atop the playground, talking absolute crap with shuuy, hoonie, chryz.
being absolutely comfortable.
i love you loads shuuy!!!! and chryz!!!!! and hoonie!!!!! and ella!!!!!. =)

and deep within i know, it wont be the same.
not when pple who you think are de closest to you bitch about you behind your back.
thinking that you dont know.
so everyone thinks you're so sweet and gd natured, but i guess i do know better.
innate malice? maybe.
but then again, i dont care.
say what you want, we were carved of different marble blocks.
wind chiseled, seawater eroded, yet dont think for a moment to manipulate me.
i do keep my distance.

disillusioned, today, wednesday.
dont let it come crashing down on me that all i stood for was the pretty iceberg with no depth beneath.
leave me my bubble, my little remnant of sanity.

i just settled a HUGE misunderstanding.
and its got me freaking drained.
and tired.
sigh...

sometimes, i wish,really, you wont be oversensitive.
how in your own uncertainty you lash out at everyone arnd you
and you hurt pple, know that?
even as you feel hurt.
in mass convos, its bound that some things you say get lost along de way.
in group discussions, its bound that not everyone catches what you're saying.
why do you get so worked up over it?
and when i msg you and you dont reply.
when i talk to you and you dont reply, so that's ok now, isit?

even ken will get irritated sometimes, you know. if this continues.
and i think it'd break your heart if he gets irritated with you, no?
...
dont drive away all those you love, k?

***
im so so drained after settling tt misunderstanding.
but at least she's happier, ken's relieved.
so tts not too bad.
but my econs tml will suffer, i think.

had a gd time at jan's today!
studied... crapped.
hmmm.
its not easy to find such good frens in jc...
esp when everyone's built a much thicker wall of defense.
ah well.
thanks babes: jan, xiu and tian!

mosquitoes love me.
bleagh.
and PW is utterly pointless.

you dont know, how sad it makes me
to know that you're suicidal
ending up in the hospital.

pls, knives arent all that fun
dont go breaking your father's heart.

standing there in the shower
tears even misted mirrors could not conceal
shards of the broken glass phial
gripped in a disbelieving palm
and its all over,
brushed carelessly by preoccupation
in a swift slow-motion
what remains are tiles stained blue
and mindless numbed hands groping
for the forgotten pieces of sanity
and not knowing why she cried,
culmulative of the mesh of inferiority
staring mediocre ordinariness in the face.

and the phrase just popped into my head and wouldnt go away
and somehow i find it so beautiful.
that, in her folly she screamed go away, and he never came back again.
just so many thoughts entwined around that innocent little line.
and no, dont haunt me for an explanation.
ive sunk it in that ocean.

haha.
who in the world would've thought that id go crazy/obsessed over an INDIAN SONG?!
ahaha.
but i did.
i was absolutely captivated by the song the ICS danced to today!
its so catchy... tune's stuck in my head.
im DETERMINED to get de song. :P

[ETD: its called Maahi ve! haha. i shall go dl =D]


ahhaha.
this morning i woke up at 5.50. cos i had to reach sch by 6.45am.
den i received a msg from ella that freaked me out.
ahahaha.
but after that ok liao la.
had a gd time in sch today!
singing, dancing, laughing hahaha. yea.
ken cut his hair so its now a bit mohawk-ish.
i was like O.O
hur.
and the rain this morning was so heavy and BEAUTIFUL!
hahaha.
i was.
mesmerised.

after sch... saw lotsa pple shaving their heads.
colin shaved! i was like. omg.
and pang and mr chan shaved too! how amusing.

aniwae.
went out with ella today!
wanted to watch movie... but it was so packed we decided to just eat and talk!
so we went to crystal jade...
ate la mian and xiao long bao and almond jelly! :D
then went to coffee bean sat and talked till 3.20 :P
had a great time just talking and talking.
and, its the wonderful feeling being with a fellow gepper...
talking the same lang and all.

thanks ella you really made me very happy today. =)

hmmmm.
in case some of you were wondering ( esp bpgc pple) why i was MIA yest...
I WENT TO FOP!
heh.

yest after doing up de spectacular owl in sch with jan... went to eat lunch at 2 plus.
( really Thank God i ate late so it lasted me till 11 pm)
then went home... napped 20 min...
went to church for band interview. :)
that was 4.30 to 5pm.

then took 190 rushed to orchard... met linxin at 5.30 at lucky plaza.
waited 20 min for bus 16 to take us to indoor stadium...
it was overflowing with other christians.
but some were cursing and using vulgarities on de bus... can you believe it.
and linx and i were like... -.-" and >:O
haha.
we reached Indoor stadium at 6pm.
and it was OVERFLOWING.
overflowing is an understatement.
the north entrance was SO packed the crowd was queuing in de carpark.
and de very nice usher told me and linx: " if you guys wan a better chance of getting in... try going by the bridge on de other side".
so we ran all the way to de bridge area.
it has lesser pple... hahaha. so we uh. joined it. hahaha.
den it moved very fast... we got in at 6.35pm.
called adora and ken and gw, who saved seats for us! (<333333333!)
adora's ex was there too, sitting with us.

we rushed so much we din eat dinner la!
all the way till 11pm. so really Thank God for His provision for me!
FOP started at 7.30pm.
apparently there were like, 11 thousand pple in de stadium can you believe it?!
and many others who were turned away at the door. oh man.
hahaha. so you can just imagine de crowds...
yea.
de programme went quite well... i loved de songs and ESP de msg.
it made me cry and cry... the amazement of the Holy Spirit at work in UK!

BUT.
there were 2 things i wasnt comfortable/agreeable with.
1. the charismatic people JUMPING to de fast-beat songs.
i din like that at all... gave me de impression they are at some disco/rock concert. =S
2. the SPEAKING IN TONGUE.
i DISLIKED it alotalotalot.
i din pray with them, and neither did linx, when they were praying in tongues cos i dont understand it, and to me, its better not to do anything im not sure abt.

aniwae. i found out adora and gw are both charismatic.
but linx isnt.
and ken isnt a christian...
he agreed with my points above too...
he liked de music, but for others...to quote: ' when the people started speaking in tongue, i felt like there's this giant serpent coiling/surrounding us... its like parseltongue..."
hmmm. it may be true, that its de Holy Spirit coming upon them, i dont know.
but it made us uneasy. *shrugs*

and after that... adora, zl ( her ex), gw, ken and i went for dinner. hurhur.
and got scolded by our parents for reaching home at 12 plus.
but it was a good concert overall.
i really really loved de msg by Rev. Dye. =)
yea... Praise God for renewal of faith and love in Him!

i need a sabbathical.
very very badly.
because im getting so jaded about just everything.
which is why, partly im looking forward to sat nite.
i hope FOP lets me regain that original love ive lost.

im getting increasingly irritated.
everytime i talk to ken, even coming to meet you with him.
you have to say something about it.
can you quit it already? im so sick of hearing variations of your voice.
wadssup with your suspecting everyone?
why cant i hold a decent conver with sua without your interrupting to speculate?
im so tired, so exasperated.
grow up girl, its time you use a diff view on a world where testosterone is as rampant.
relationships can go beyond that of romantic, so free your mind.

and you ask me,
why there is lingering wistfulness,
a shadow, a trace of sadness
even when i smile, even when i laugh.
and i cant tell you, but i do know:
im just looking around
hoping to find that which would give me true happiness.
and how ive been searching, all along
through many diff channels
but the mirror showed that answers dont lie
in many people and many things.

draw me an empty jetty staring at calm waters.

the tension that stretches in the silence of facing each other.
make her your new best friend then, i dont care.
ive been forewarned, and i'd make sure history doesnt repeat herself.

and its true isnt it,
how many guys always mask up their emotions
behind that marble smooth wall.
i cant bring myself to trust you, with my thoughts
if i dont know you, cant you see?

and you said you try.
i know, but a half-smile isnt enough to span that abyss.

and yesterday's child
sits, yearning
but weary, wishful
tired of stretching out her pale thin fingers
to touch the elusive glistening crystals
covering fragile bubbles of tomorrow's dreams.

fallen in love with kok hong's phrase

一切竟在不言中

increasingly jaded.